The Sound of the Big Bang
In our culture blog this month our regular music head shows you how to reproduce the sound of the big bang with a four track recorder and a guitar in 7 easy steps
So here’s the thing, I’ve been trying for the last six months to write something whacky and entertaining and what comes out is all this stuff about Income Tax and VAT and deductable expenses, blah, blah, blah.
And though I assumed I was boring everyone senseless apparently not! Some of you are actually reading my little lectures on small business finance and gleaning little nuggets of wisdom. Whether by skill or aptitude, on anyone’s part, is of course entirely contestable, but I have been complimented on the utility of my advice, and so will no longer feel inhibited in sharing.
HOWEVER, there is also of course the fact that this is, as stated, the practical musicians workshop, obviously implying a degree of musician related material. And I did previously mention “how to reproduce the sound of the Big Bang with a four track recorder and a guitar.” Now clearly this is a matter of technical interest to the practical musician… but there is also the fact that our language contains many potential alternative definitions and readings of a given statement. Thus If one were practically a musician, one might still only aspire to being one. That means anybody could be reading this! Plumbers with tinnitus who couldn’t hold a tune in a bucket! Australians! Well sometimes you’ve just got to go with the flow. And sometimes you’ve just got to take what you’re given. So today we are looking at
How to Reproduce The Sound of the Big Bang with a Four Track Recorder and a Guitar in 7 Easy Steps.
1. Get a guitar and a 4 track recorder. This one should be obvious
2. Tune the guitar. Not so immediately obvious, as many would argue that the beginning of the universe ought to be rather Cacophonous. However, the extremely fine tuning of universal constants that have allowed for the steady and delicately balanced evolution of our universe for the last 14 billion years since its postulated inception rather indicates a high degree of uniformity and harmony at its initial condition
3. Choose an initial frequency. Being a guitarist one might be inclined to choose ‘E’ as your lowest fundamental frequency, but I would suggest trying the dominant ‘B’ if you use standard tuning as it will produce more interesting sub-dominant effects… or maybe a B flat for something more oriental
4. Starting at 0 seconds record and bounce every conceivable harmonic of that note that you can squeeze onto the 4 track recorder whilst channelling Brian May, Pete Townshend, The Jimis Page & Hendrix, Jesus and Mark Bolan. Pay particular attention to the ‘every conceivable harmonic’ part
5. Hire The Biggest PA System In The World
6. Bypass any fuses, trip switches or safety features of any kind. Switch on the PA and put all the volumes levels up to full
7. Just before you’re ready, simultaneously press ‘play’ and plug the 4 track into a live channel
Assuming you have nice reverb on the desk, and assuming your heart can take the shock and ears the volume and that you’ve actually survived, you may now be experiencing a very faint, but entertaining, echo of the earliest moments of our little bubble that we call ‘The Universe’. Good luck recovering.
In our next exciting instalment we shall return to the more mundane issues of running a musical business, with a simple step-by-step guide to setting up a business to save you money.
Prof Laserboy
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